Quest for Innocence

Thought of this title when I just got my crappy convenient noodles and tasteless crackers in Xining airport, I think it was around mid-night, when I knew that after the plane was delayed for 4 hours, we had to wait for another 2 hours.

Met a guy from Inner Mongolia who lives in Beijing, saying no one cares about you in Xining, if we were in Beijing, we would have been treated a lot better. And my American boss would be invited to some VIP room because everyone in Beijing wants to show the good image of our capital. But since we were in Xining — this remote western city, who bothers to care about you? Air China says they are not responsible for any emergency related to weather. Similar like what most insurance companies in China said after the earthquake: earthquake is not one of the disaters we are responsible for.

So I was walking around in the airport, holding my crappy convenient noodles and the tasteless crackers, thinking about a Shanxi friend saying: “Your people from the capital really have a good life. These housewives at the street volunteering to give directions next to the bus station are so nice, as if they want to take you to where you want to go.” At that time I missed my capital life, especially when I was cold, hungry and in serious sleep deficit.

Then after 20 minutes of piercing ear and head pain, 2 hours in the plane — it was supposed to be 2.5 hours, 1 hour sleeping in the hard bench in the airport and 6 hours of waiting there, I arrived at my capital. Oh capital my capital. Where my love and hate locates. We had to walk 1km in the new terminal, just because my capital is big and splendid and everything has to be big and spectacular. But damn the traffic was amazing at 5 am, probably only saw 10 cars on the 4th ring road. And when we drove to Sanlitun and Gongtibeilu, there were amazing party people ending their nights. I was so jealous. I retired from my party life ever since I started to work seriously.

Capital life is all about catching up. The constructions all follow or even lead the avant-guard trend. Months ago you see a special sales office and weeks later it is torn down. Today you see trees here and tomorrow you see they are located somewhere else. Yesterday you were shopping in a DVD shop till 3am, and the next week when you aimed to go there again, you can’t find it anymore. The sign near our apartment changes everyday. Today it is an office building, and tomorrow it is a want-to-be trendy restaurant. We young people are all so confused. Some broke up, some breaking up, some longing for love, some longing for work. We even get confused in the new Joy City because it is too darn trendy! And we have to wait to go to a cozy tea place and wait longer to pee.

We are all young and try so hard to stand out, try so hard to be like people in their 40s. It is said that 20 something girls have everything when they are 20 and nothing when they are 40. While 20 something boys have nothing when they are 20 and everything when they are 40. I feel I probably have a lot of things, but it makes me so damn tired!

But looking at my city and looking at travelers in my city, especially those holding stupid cameras and looking around for Workers Stadium or gazing at the colorful fountains at Tiananmen, it is also kind of relief. Damn I may try very hard, but at least I am experiencing so fucking much, for better or for worse.

Lately have felt like I don’t have any holidays, as if Monday is the same as Sunday, and Friday is the same as Saturday. Really wish there were days like when I was in university — could just lying in bed, looking at the ceiling and laugh really stupidly. But now every moment you need to think about something, whether to buy the pills or not, whether to clean the floor or not, how to transfer money, how to write better, how to keep in touch with friends, when will I have time to go sit around in my favorite bookstore/cafe.

I didn’t mean to complain here.

Just feel like I am living in a big burning pot, while it is rainy and cloudy lately, so maybe a big steamy pot. Everyone is rushing, from and to all different directions. There was one Chinese young rapper saying when you are standing in the streets, you can feel angry every moment. While here, yes, today, this afternoon. Met a migrant worker wearing yellow safety hat riding over a young 30s Beijinger (could tell from his accent). My Beijing compatriot asking furiously if the migrant fucking know whether to stop and wait the red traffic light or not, while our Chinese compatriot saying sorry and looked really sorry. It is kind of ridiculous. I mean the cursing. We consider Beijing cursing a form of intimacy, like I cursed with my Beijing compatriots the whole Saturday afternoon, to show how much we like each other and like being with each other. Maybe it is just a fashion among teens and 20s people, those who are still innocent enough to think cursing is fun and fashionable.

Last night I told my boyfriend I don’t fancy about marriage anymore, since I have seen the obstacles in relationship. He says it is a sign of losing innocence. When my mom was at my age, she already had me. Don’t know how long she believed in marriage, but she still hopes me to get married sooner or later.

But anyway, I guess there is still some room, a lot of room for quest for innocence because I am still hot headed when I see beautiful things. Still enjoy shopping in funky malls and meeting unexpected little things. My capital is a consuming city. You never get bored shopping here, those who say they can’t find any good skirts are just lazy and not unoriginal.

It is also interesting to stay in our trendy shopping mall in Xidan looking at the construction rubbles across the street. Or walking near the Church in Wangfujing and looking at big tank-like trucks driving through — workers have to pave the road with wood so that it doesn’t damage our road that is stepped by millions of people everyday.

My city also used to be very passionately sunny.

Met a Beijing girl in a plane leaving from Chengdu to Beijing in May, she said she missed the sun in Beijing and brought her sunglasses back to Beijing because she never got to use it in the southern capital. I don’t know how many rockets my city shoots to the sky everyday, I wish the sun could come out soon at least my clothes will dry soon. I can’t wash all my clothes during the Olympic time. My city really used to be very sunny.

Yesterday I went to get my bicycle fixed in a hutong, as it is difficult to get it fixed in modern shopping malls. Our Beijing uncle telling the migrant fixer to fix my little fashion accessory bike well. Then we started to chat. The old Beijinger asked if I were a Beijinger. Yes I have lost a lot of accent. Met a Tibetan monk in Xining, who apparently seemed to be very shameful of the loss of their language, which makes me want to learn Tibetan, just to get to know the truth better, while we are all facing the similar situation, just their loss is more obvious. So mandarinization is kind of modernization I guess.

Anyway, my capital wouldn’t be a big construction site for ever.

Hope it would be tolerant and fabulous.